I, Charlotte, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it and who have to consult pollsters to figure out when to take a dump.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for a Fatapple's burger or at least some decent coffee to wash down the hospital swill, medical experts should be consulted as to my chances of getting better. If consensus of The Best Doctors Available (tm) is that my chances of exiting the coma, persistent vegetative state, or other state where I am for all intents and purposes being kept alive by artificial means are nil or pretty damn close to it, I hereby instruct my family and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and let me go. Book the church and the caterer already and LET ME GO.
Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their next election. Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who are alive and not in a permanent coma.
I couldn't care less if a hundred thousand religious zealots send e-mails to legislators or weep all over weblogs and discussion boards in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf, and most of them would practically spit on me for a heretic were I able to speak for myself. They should mind their own business, too. If they really cared about me, they would pay more attention to the very much alive poor and hungry on their doorsteps, stop demonizing gay people and "liberals", stop trying to fuck with the Constitution, and leave me to Heaven. Those who really know me know that I "believe in the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come" (just like we say in the Creed every week).
If any of my family (or, hell, anyone; personally I don't think my family would kook out like that, but you never know) goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I will apply for leave to haunt them when I am finally allowed to go Home. I trust that God, being a just God, will grant me this request after I am properly sent off with a party I would have enjoyed.
By me, this thirteenth day of April, 2005.
Modified this fifteenth day of April 2005 to change verbiage somewhat and approve the Bill Frist rider.