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The rest of Sunday

Before I start with the latest installment of my processing, I learned through reading a pal's journal that she, also, lost a cat (with a pre-existing heart murmur) to sudden heart failure this weekend with symptoms MUCH like Maya's and at the moment she seems to be flipped out that somehow she caused this (she got a new kitten and just brought it home) or she should have hauled the poor boo in to the vet earlier (yadda yadda). I truly appreciate the support folks have shown for me and would ask that you spare a prayer, light a candle, or whatever it is you do for D to send good energy her way. Cause I gotta say, it can happen fast and it's Not the Human's Fault. Thanks and hugs all!

So. I didn't see that many people at church, as I was a sacristry rat most of the morning. Those I did get a chance to talk to offered sympathy (and prayers for my little one, and me). (thanks for the shoulder idasusan) My big plan for next Sunday is to shamelessly bid for more sympathy during coffee hour (this is, after all, one of the upsides of the whole church community thing ;). I should be able to manage it without too much blubbering by then. My voice is shot straight to hell today - throat raw from the cold and all the crying. I am definitely croaking at the moment, although I was able to sing pretty well most of the time.

I officially Lost It twice during the service itself. The church possesses a wonderful Pentecost banner of a dove and long (at least 10', maybe longer) red-and-white ribbons attached to a fishing pole. This can be easily swung about to look like wind and flame and the Spirit. The banner "bearer" positioned herself in the front of the nave as the choir and clergy figure-eighted around the church singing "Hail thee, festival day" and swung away. I thought "hey, cool" and then "hey, that reminds me of Maya's feather toy" and then I dissolved. Eventually the song stopped and the banner got put to the side so I pulled it together. The second time was during the psalm, with a bit about creatures returning to dust (don't have it handy, may edit it in later). But the rest of the service was great, and I only collapsed again when Susan came into the sacristry to give me a beeg hug.

I took the cotton ball that had been moistened with the chrism (anointing) oil and plan to bury it with some of Maya's ashes in a garden hole (for a tree or something) at a suitable time.

I was fairly scheduled after church (all of this had been planned before) so came home late to check messages (still haven't checked email today) and plan to have my next ceremonial wee dram and collapse.

Comments

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ayse
May. 16th, 2005 04:18 am (UTC)
If it'd help, I'd be happy to talk to D about heart murmurs in cats and what can be done about them (tragic, and fuck-all). Grief is a thousand times worse when you're blaming yourself.
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