I hate it because I feel like I don't have enough energy to mourn. I have barely cried the last couple of days and I don't know if I am just stunned or actually working through things. I'd like to go digging around in my mail for the piece I did two years back when Maya had the burst intestine and dust it off and post it but I don't have the energy to do that. So it's holding me back from something.
The meds and the weird sleeping schedule did cause me to be up for a while in the wee hours on Monday night/Tues morning just like I was on Friday night. I did kind of stare at the now-empty other pillow on the bed, and missed her presence (as I have done morning, evening, and in-between since), but I didn't cry. (I did stroke the space in memory. I heard her usual purr in my mind's ear. She was too out of it to purr on Friday night.)
The weather officially sucks today. It does make me feel glad that Saturday was such a beautiful morning for Maya's last walk. I've had a lot of little moments like that. It's still very surprising how sudden it was.